


first and last and always | totsuka tatara

by nihilisten



Series: my reader inserts [3]
Category: K (Anime)
Genre: Drabble Collection, Emotional, F/M, based on my oc but hush, reader is a strain and a hacker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-21 04:12:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14908110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nihilisten/pseuds/nihilisten
Summary: There was something about him that made you wonder if he was really there, or if he was just a dream of yours.[totsuka tatara/reader][drabble collection]





	1. momentum

When you first saw him, it was like a scattering of sparks blossoming throughout the nightview of Shizume.

To you, it only appeared that a slim young man, frail even, was being attacked in the middle of the street. Cornered by three thugs who seemingly wanted to intimidate him, he hurled and flounced, unable to find a way out.

Such incidents weren’t rare in Shizume – a city where numerous delinquent groups and underground gangs acted. There were always the hunters and the hunted. You didn’t care for the most part, keeping away from trouble and living your own life: not separated from ‘that world’, not connected to it, either.

Normally, you would have turned your back and left.

What struck you this time, however, was the man’s expression. It’s not like he wasn’t scared for his life – who wouldn’t be? Only a fool, probably – but his face remained calm, focused, like a gazelle calculating its escape route.

Then, there was a spark on the man’s side. And then another one. And another.

The thugs backed away in surprise while you continued to observe the commotion, now actually interested.

Little campfires came to life in the dead of night, dancing in the air, vanishing after a heartbeat as if it were a mirage. Sparks bloomed like flowers and withered in an instant. It took seconds, but seconds were all he needed; managing to distract the attackers, he ran.

You felt wind on your face as he rushed past you and down the street. However, before he could even reach five meters behind you, you saw him stop and gasp for breath, visibly worn out. Meanwhile the thugs had already recovered from the shock.

For a second, you saw everything there was to see. The young man crouching in a corner. The delinquents’ sloppy moves as they approached. And yourself, in the middle of it.

Your eyes widened in realisation as information from your recent research were revived in your mind.

There was only one gang with fire powers, and in it there was only one executive who couldn’t fight.

You grit your teeth.

Act first, think second.

 

**“Three of you on a single boy? One who can’t defend himself at that? That’s not nice.”**

 

The thugs stopped in their tracks when you stepped out to block their path. In the back, you heard the young man suck in his breath sharply, as if in shock. Your hand slowly reached behind your back, waving at him to make him escape. You clicked your tongue when he didn’t flinch, either too shocked or too exhausted – or both.

With no other choice, your fingers carefully curled around something in your pocket; something that could save both of your lives… if you were nearly as lucky as you thought.

“D’ya have a problem or what?” grumbled one of the delinquents, trying to scare you away. “The guy’s ours. His King made a fool of ourselves.”

Your eyes narrowed as you turned your head slightly to look at the young man behind you. His eyes, full of fright and disbelief at your actions, were fixed on the thing in your palm. Then you looked back at the thugs.

You saw everything.

“Perhaps you missed my point,” the hand you kept behind your back was sweaty, but steady. You inhaled before speaking up again with a firm voice, “Screw off. Now.”

In the next second one of the thugs was knocked out on the ground as you maintained your combat position a few meters farther, your war fan perfectly straightened in your hand.

“…”

Silence fell for just a few seconds, and yet it seemed like an eternity: before the delinquents grasped what had just happened, before you turned back to face them, before the young man in the distance managed to stand up straight, watching the scene with astonishment written all over his features.

After this, it was quick.

The thugs realised their defeat and retreated in panic, stumbling as they disappeared in another alleyway. You sent them off with your gaze, probably not even realising the fact – until you heard a cough on your side.

Oh, right. The guy you just saved.

Turning back to see him on his knees again, you rushed to the man’s side; he was panting heavily, his face sickly pale. It looked like he really exhausted himself this time. You could clearly comprehend what ‘Homra’s weakest executive’ meant now.

“Hello? Can you hear me?”

He nodded at your question, even showing you a small smile that wasn’t convincing in any way. Though you helped him stand up, he stumbled with dizziness again and ended up leaning on you. You supported him until he regained somewhat steadied breath. Finally, he spoke up in a soft voice:

“I’m okay… just a little tired.”

Deciding that it could wait until another time, you refrained from scolding him for being so careless. Instead you let go of his arm and took out your phone from the pocket.

“Bar HOMRA, was it?”

It took him two seconds to comprehend that you were offering to take him there. His puzzled expression slowly became one of relief and gratitude.

Not asking how you’d known his loyalty or why you’d helped him, he nodded.


	2. icebound

He sat by the counter, resting his head on his palm, eyelids lowered as if he was drifting off to sleep. Only the slightest movements of his palm, fiddling with the tea saucer, indicated that he was indeed awake. Without a single sound, his finger pressed at the saucer’s surface, and then span it in a manner that was hardly noticeable – at least, if someone hadn’t been paying close attention to him. Eyes fixed somewhere unreachable, his steady hand continued the pointless moves as the time passed in the desolated premises.

You – now a regular customer in the bar HOMRA – appeared to be occupied by the table in the back, quietly sipping your tea and skimming through a thick book on the newest coding theory. In fact, every few seconds your eyes couldn’t help but wander towards the man’s quiescent figure. There was no one in the bar save for you two, and while you didn’t seem to be able to distract yourself from the man’s presence, he looked so deep in thought that you weren’t even sure if he knew where he was.

Which, you noted internally, might have proven troublesome if another customer entered. He was in charge today, after all.

Just what was on his mind, exactly?

You had no idea how much time had passed since you came here. Earlier today, he had greeted you with a beam and brought you your usual order – green tea with roasted rice – before you could actually order it. Bustling here and there behind the counter, preparing meals and washing the dishes, he had finally sat down, his energy subsiding almost immediately. It was bizarre how quickly this man changed moods.

When you glanced at him again, he was resting his head on his arms, half-lying on the counter, the saucer stiff under his palm.

You clicked your tongue. With him asleep, you couldn’t leave the bar to its own devices. Not to mention possible burglars or delinquents, in fact, you were more concerned about his well-being moreso than the customers’. If Kusanagi-san caught him sleeping on duty, he would have it hard for sure.

In other words, you were grounded, watching over the sleeping man and serving the potential customers. But it’s not like you had much to do other that sitting in the bar. A quick glance at the clock told you that it was closing time soon anyway.

You sighed.

“He’s such a handful… honestly.”

Standing up from your seat, you picked up a blanket from the couch by the table. Carefully, not to wake him up, you draped the blanket over his shoulders and moved the saucer away from his hand.

Your gaze stopped on his serene face, admiring the way his soft hair framed his features. A small smile formed on his lips and then you realised he let out a whisper:

“Thank you. I don’t mind if you stay here longer…”

You turned away quickly, a surreal feeling washing over your body; a feeling of being lost and out of place, like you had been thrown in somewhere foreign, somewhere… in a dream.

But you still looked over your shoulder to set eyes on him once again.


	3. insoluble

The sky snapped in a half.

The city of Shizume was soaking in rain, heavy downpour ascending on the area like thick mist. Buildings and lights seemed to merge with the grey sky, shrouding everything in a dark cloak. There was not a single soul in sight, and you wondered how many people got stuck somewhere because of the storm.

Letting out an exasperated sigh, you glanced at the librarian who smiled back at you in an apologetic manner.

“Are you sure you don’t want to wait inside, miss?”

You shook your head by the threshold, “I like the rain.”

A thunder rolled over the city, grumbling and snarling as if to express its anger. You sighed again as your eyes shifted to an undefined point in the sky; though it was dim and grey, the clouds seemed to give away their own blinding glow, making you squint. The endless rain continued.

Your pocket buzzed. Pulling out your PDA, you blinked in surprise at the message.

 

**Totsuka-san**

11:23 [y/n! are you stuck in the rain? (-ω-`)]

 

Your hand froze mid-motion before you suddenly burst out laughing.

He even added a kaomoji.

 

11:25 [i am stuck in the library, not in the rain, fortunately]

11:25 [youd better not be out and soaking, too]

11:26 [ah, thats a relief]

11:26 [dont go ignoring my questions, totsuka-san]

11:27 [haha]

11:27 [haha my ass, where are you?]

11:27 [easy, easy, y/n-chan, im at the bar? its so boooring here ( p´o` ;)]

11:27 [i was hoping youd help me pass the time, but since its pouring so hard…]

 

Looking up from the screen, your focused eyes quickly scanned your surroundings. You could see the path of every single raindrop, from the sky way down to earth, but what for? It’s not like you wouldn’t get soaked if you ran.

But it’s not like you minded, either.

 

11:28 [do you have a raincoat? or an umbrella?]

11:29 [both, i think? kusanagi-san’s got the weirdest stuff in the attic]

11:29 [then put on the raincoat and bring me the umbrella]

11:30 [i will go to the bar with you]

11:30 [wah, y/n, youre a genius! im on it!]

11:30 [it wouldve been much easier if your ability was controlling weather, though!]

11:31 [as if there are abilities like that]

11:31 [kidding, kidding. but you never know]

 

With that, the conversation ended.

Shoving the PDA back in your pocket, you let out another sigh as your eyes lifted towards the sky. The rain didn’t falter, it continued over and over, and you pressed the book you’d borrowed closer to your form.

Both of you would probably end up in a cold. Neither of you backed down. It was okay. Sooner or later, it will slowly disappear like the falling rain, anyway.


	4. evanescence

He was someone who made friends everywhere he went, which resulted in him having the weirdest connections in the weirdest places.

You considered yourself one of them, too.

But you’d never really seen anyone particularly close to him, except his own clan. It seemed he wasn’t really ‘connected’ to anything in his broad world. Like he was floating, unable to actually reach anywhere.

He wasn’t lonely, and yet you wondered whether he would call himself happy.

“Totsuka-san. Are you going to sing?”

Upon hearing your question, something akin to a surprise gleamed in his eyes, only to be replaced by softness a second later. He leaned closer to you and poked your side with his finger, lips curling upwards, forming not a grin, but a genuine smile of joy.

“What do I owe the honour of being asked this by you, Y/N? To think such a day would come.”

You sighed at his antics, “Nothing… I just wanted to hear your song again.”

The smile on his lips didn’t fade, but you swore something changed in his face, something you couldn’t quite pinpoint. It might have been curiosity so gentle that he wouldn’t dare to voice it. Or it might have been peace of mind, brought to him by your simple request.

Without confirming nor denying your thoughts, he reached for the guitar. Delicate melody reached your ears as soon as his slender fingers strummed the strings. But, just at the moment you expected him to start singing, he stopped to look back up at you.

“You know, Y/N… This song, I like it quite a lot.”

“You should, it’s very skillful.”

“Ah, not in that way,” he shook his head, eyes flickering to the guitar’s body with honest fondness. “I like it because it’s about the place I belong to, and about the people I cherish. It’s like… a piece of my heart taking a form of a song, I guess?”

A snort you let out would have appeared as pitiful, had it not been for the tone of your voice.

“Hah, you really are something. I can’t imagine anyone else saying such embarrassing words.”

He looked almost proud at your statement, “I’m glad you think so.”

“Did you take that as a compliment?”

You asked half amused, half doubtful, not expecting him to react with complete composure. His eyes narrowing slightly, looking up somewhere as if to collect his words, he muttered:

“…Maybe.”

With that, he started singing, cutting the conversation short with many questions unanswered, some of them shrouded in mystery. Naturally, there were things you both were eager to know about each other, and you would uncover them eventually.

However, it seemed one of them was already uncovered – and that his world wasn’t so fleeting, after all.


	5. doomsday/catharsis

July 11th.

There was no year when the day wasn’t overwhelmingly heated, heavy air hanging over the town, almost suffocating. Every year, it seemed like the air was not only still and leaden, but overfilling with peculiar pensiveness.

You weren’t keen on remembering the day. You’d rather forget it once for all. But it just so happened that you’d checked the calendar in the morning, and a vague feeling of detachment hadn’t left you ever since.

“Would you mind passing me the sugar, Y/N?”

You blinked as his soft voice brought you back to reality. He was glancing at you questioningly over the ice shaver, looking puzzled a tiny bit. It took you a few seconds to recover from your absent-minded state, as if getting lost in thought made you forget about your surroundings.

Uncomfortably out of place, your eyes shifted to his figure, only to look away immediately. Just as you stretched your arm to hand him the sugar bowl, his palm gently cupped your wrist instead.

“…?”

“That day, I was eating shaved ice as well.”

As you looked up at him, he was staring outside the window, towards the sky which was cloudless as usual, in contrast to that year.

“I made it using only water and sugar. It was nothing like the expensive ingredients we have here. However, every time I eat Kusanagi-san’s shaved ice, I get reminded of that taste.”

You didn’t dare to say a word, suddenly shy to even express yourself.

That’s right. Everyone had their own story to tell, and when it came to that chapter, no one was the same. You weren’t the only one, nor were you special. This was no time to get so invested in meaningless thoughts – those were left in the past, anyway.

“Ah, but it’s not like I have bad memories concerning shaved ice. Regardless of the taste, it’s still delicious,” he nodded as if to confirm his own words. Then, he looked back at you with a smile, a rare serious one, “What about you?”

Despite his usual carefree attitude, it wasn’t common for him to ask you a direct question like that. And now he was being considerate at that. The fingers of your hand, still holding the sugar bowl, stiffened slightly.

No, you had no grudge nor regrets. It just happened. You couldn’t do anything but accept that. And you did a long time ago.

But it was still so bizarre.

“I… I ran away from home,” your voice came out quiet, but firm. Finally daring to look him in the eye, you exhaled. “That’s probably the only reason why I survived.”

He said nothing, acknowledging your words with a mere nod. Then, you felt him take the bowl from your hand, fingers brushing against yours, as he poured two spoons on the strawberries in the pan. Heat from the cooker made a soft buzzing noise.

The weird feeling lingered, and would probably remain for the rest of the day. But while the sound of the cooker filled the room, and his nimble fingers proceeded to put ice in the machine, you felt some kind of realisation wash over you – namely, that it was okay to feel like this.

His voice, not cooling down the heavy air still sounded refreshing when he smiled:

“Let’s make delicious shaved ice, okay?”


	6. bliss

“I thought this was supposed to—ouch!”

At your groan, he only let out a light-hearted chuckle, not ceasing the movement of his fingers in the slightest. You swore you’d have punched him if it wasn’t for your current position.

“If you keep talking, it will only get worse, you know. You’re already tense as it is.”

Huffing with frustration, you let your head drop face flat on the pillow. The pain wasn’t unbearable, but it was still pain – how on earth were you supposed to relax to that?

As if reading your thoughts, he continued:

“It hurts now, but then you’re going to take a hot bath, sleep, and ta-dah! You’ll feel a hundred times better,“ despite the clear zeal in his voice, he didn’t lose focus for a single second, aptly pressing the right places on your back, making your muscles scream. “Just trust me, Y/N, I know what I’m doing.”

“How are you so sure?”

“Because I’ve done this as a part time job. No one ever complained about my services.”

“You massaged people for money?”

Amazed disbelief in your voice made him laugh, the tips of his fingers brushing your shoulder blades with a tingling sensation, “You sound like it’s a bad thing.”

“It’s not, but… I don’t know, each of your part time jobs is weirder that the previous one.”

A sudden ounce of pain pierced through your sides, making you let out a yelp. It felt almost as if he did that on purpose, as a punishment for talking when he told you to be quiet.

You clutched the pillow desperately, hoping it would drown out your shrieks.

“Now, now, Y/N. Don’t move or it will hurt even more,” his voice was firm, reprimanding, though not lacking his usual gentleness. He scolded you as if you were a child; why were you sure he was enjoying this? “You need to relax, otherwise there’s no point, see?”

Dejected, you gave up and decided to try – as much as you were able to relax being naked from the waist up and with him torturing every single inch of your skin. Fingers twitching at every aching movement of his, you did your best not to react, focusing on taking deep breaths. Unbelievable, but it seemed to work. Before long you fully let your mind roam everywhere but inside your body. The pain got dull, not really hurting anymore, as if your brain stopped registering it.

Time flew, and unbeknownst to you, he was done. You felt soothing cold liquid being rubbed in your skin.

“…What’s that?” you asked half-asleep, feeling like you’d been somewhere far away.

“Just a body oil to help your muscles avoid being sore. You did so great,” he praised you, proceeding to cover your back with the oil as a pleasant smell of coconut hit your nostrils.

You inhaled the fragrance, a bit dizzy from pain and relaxation. Damn, it really worked. You were sure you could fall asleep any second now.

His palms reached to your sides, swiftly covering them with the oil. As he reached your breasts, a faint thought of “I should get flustered now” flickered in your mind, but you were enjoying this far too much to care about that. Lastly, he gently patted your shoulders, and got up.

“Now, I will prepare a bath—”

Not finishing his sentence, his eyes noticed your sleeping form. Head half covered in the pillow, you were napping with a face so delighted like it was the best activity in the world. The sight took him aback for two seconds, and then he smiled.

Well of course, you were too stubborn to tell him, but your peaceful expression showed the results perfectly.

Before leaving your apartment, he placed a note beside your bed.

_Y/N! Sorry for not waiting until you wake up. You were so cute that I couldn’t possibly disturb your sleep._

_I’ve left you some bath bombs in the bathroom, so make sure to use them once you’re all fresh and well-rested!_

_To-tsu-ka~ (_ _｡ゝωσ_ _)_

 

He was sure, you’d feel even less tense if it became a routine for both of you.


	7. hydrology

It took you an hour to learn the chocolate recipe.

It took you three days to actually create something edible out of it.

It took you a whole week to gather the courage and finally call him.

No need to feel so miserable, was what you kept telling yourself, but your chest still felt incredibly tight as you waited for him, sitting by the table in a café somewhere in Shizume. You were frightened. The nervousness took a hold of you, making you feel as if you were about to faint. It was your own fault, though, for coming an hour before the appointed time – for pretending it was just you being provident, giving yourself time to calm down.

To say you were ‘calm’ was a definite exaggeration, but as time passed, you got more and more numb, somehow getting immune to the stress.

Gosh, what if he doesn’t come?

The tea you’d ordered got cold, barely touched, because you couldn’t seem to bring yourself to swallow anything. A small package lay beside the cup; you glared at it with pure distaste. Oh well, if he ditched you, you could always eat it by yourself. When your stomach stopped twisting and turning, of course.

“—Y/N! Y/N, why are you ignoring me?”

You jumped on your seat as he waved his hand in front of your face. He bounced back as well, surprised by your abrupt reaction. You wanted to dig out a hole and hide there for dozing off right as he came, you should’ve expected that—

But three seconds passed and he was back smiling at you, albeit a bit worriedly.

“Jeez, don’t scare me like that after inviting me. You looked like a doll, completely motionless,” he chuckled, taking a seat opposite you. You glanced at his slender figure, taking in his simple yet fashionable attire, consisting of a checked scarf and a long burgundy coat.

Stop, stop, don’t you dare daydream again, now that he’s finally here.

But he did look gorgeous.

“Uh, yeah, sorry,” you managed to stutter, looking down on your cold tea to distract yourself. “I’ve already got my order, but I’ll get one for you, what would you like?” you quickly changed the subject, hoping your voice wasn’t sounding too shaken.

“Hmm,” humming in wonder, he glanced at the menu, not really paying attention to it. “What do you think I should take, then? I’ll have whatever you recommend,” looking up at you, he flashed a smile. “Pick me something yummy.”

You nodded frantically and got up to place your order by the counter. At least the waitress would bring it to your table; you’d have spilled it infaillibly. Without much thought, you went for hot cocoa with whipped cream. And regretted it a second later, remembering your own, equally sugary, package—damn, you really were panicking for someone so composed.

Getting back to the table, you managed to control your shaking hands.

“It’s a nice day, isn’t it,” he spoke up lightly, as if to lift the visible weight up your shoulders in a merciful gesture. “Perfect to visit a café and slow down a bit.”

“Um, yeah,” nodding weakly, you weren’t able to say much.

“Why did you invite me all of a sudden? It’s not common of you,” he pointed out teasingly.

A hot arrow pierced through your heart, but deciding to stick to your resolve, you let your hand reach for the small package on the table. Now, that you both were there, it wasn’t even so difficult to pick it up and hold it towards him.

“…Here.”

He tilted his head, eyes widening in surprise, taking the package from your hand a bit hesitantly.

“Oh, for me? A birthday present?”

Your heart sank, “B-birthday?”

“Yep, it's today! Wait, that’s not about it?” he looked more and more confused as his eyes scanned your gift.

“Ah… I… It’s Valentine’s Day, so I made you chocolate…” you stumbled upon words, fiddling with your fingers to make up for your dead embarrassment. To no avail, really. “I-I had no idea…”

“Ahaha, it’s okay, it’s okay. I never told you, but you did get me a present anyway! I’m so happy,” he laughed with his usual carefree voice, waving the little package triumphantly before placing it in his bag. “I will enjoy eating it.”

Cheeks burning, you shrank at the table. But when your eyes roamed in his direction, he was gazing at you with… fondness? That made you even more flustered, yet somehow, peace returned to you and your insides started unclenching.

As his order came, you both spent time chatting and sipping your drinks in the cozy café. He never failed to amaze you with how he was able to put people at ease no matter the circumstances, including you, who’d been dying minutes ago.

Cold tea was now the most delicious drink you’d ever had.

Some time later, the conversation was not diminished in the slightest, continuing at its own, relaxed pace. Then, as your gaze shifted to the window, the sight unraveled before you. You felt your eyes widen, heart filling with a somewhat warm, pleasant sensation; something you’d never be able to describe, but miss dearly months later.

“Look… It’s snowing.”

He followed suit to look in that direction, making you witness a truly endearing sight: his face lighting up like a bonfire, corners of his mouth curling upwards in an expression of pure joy as his eyes gleamed with thousands of little sparks, like he was the fire itself – not consuming, but gently heating up its surroundings.

“It really is. How nice—”

You could only gape at him in awe, trying to engrave that sight deep in your mind.


	8. luminescence

You two were dancing.

Calling it dance might have been odd, as there was no music, no lights, no ballroom and no spectators. And yet, there you were, fingers intertwined, unable to take your eyes off each other, losing yourselves in the moment which was fleeting like thoughts on a moonlit night.

His palm held yours gently but firmly, the other hand on your waist as he spun you around in his arms. That was when the sparks around you came to life; they followed your movements, leaving ardent footsteps on the floor, swirling around your dancing forms and setting the dark room alight. Circles of flames under your feet, warm but not scalding, resembled his whole existence – you thought, charmed by how lightly he led you thought the room, secure, delicate.

The eerie yet comforting aura he’d created enveloped you both, like a place in the sun that makes its way through the clouds after a rainstorm. The irresistible longing for him would not leave you, achingly pulsating throughout your body. Fire was everywhere – around you, in his eyes, in his smile, glinting on his hair – but the most burning flames dwelled in your chest.

Swiftness; for a second you lost a grip of yourself, unsure whether your feet touched the ground anymore. It felt as if you floated in the sea of sparks, between which his eyes were like two stars, like twin orbs of living, pulsating fire. In the midst of it all, lingered you – you were flying through oblivion, abyss of the deep, except it was tempting and welcoming.

And then you landed in his embrace, drowning in his eyes as his palm softly brushed your cheek. The spell was broken. All of a sudden, the rhythm of the sparks got faster, higher, lighter, only to crash down as a finale – a hailstorm of flames collapsed on the floor, slowly fading to black, disappearing without a trace.

Silence fell, neither of you daring to move, enchanted with the other’s expression. Fever crept up to your cheeks, was it because of him, or was it your own heat dizzying your mind?

Your fingers twitched in his palm, but he held you closer, and you could feel he was feverish, too.


	9. illusion/delusion

“Y/N, smile!”

As you looked up hearing the sudden call, he was grinning, the camera in his hand aimed straight at you. Suppressing yourself not to show any hint of annoyance, you let out a heavy breath and avoided your gaze.

“Totsuka-san, would you get that camera off my face?”

“My, my, why so bitter, Y/N. It’s just for making memories,” he explained lightly, head sticking out from behind the device. “Please?”

You sighed again, “…Do whatever you want.”

“So, what are your thoughts on today?”

Confused, you caught his gaze, which turned out to be right near the camera, making you look away again. Today, huh? Today had been just an ordinary day: you decided to accompany him out of boredom as he was arranging stuff on the bar’s attic. Currently, you were sitting on some boxes (ones that looked fairly stable in all the mess) while he was searching through the stack of newfound films. This ended up in him turning on the old camera… and filming you.

To your dismay.

“It’s August XXth, 2012,” finally, you spoke up in a monotone voice, still refusing to look at the camera, eyes fixed on the wall opposite you. “Me and Totsuka-san are cleaning the attic. Or, to be precise, I am observing while he is skimming through the old stuff,” at that, you saw him grin with the corner of your eye. “Right now I am playing the victim of one of his hobbies. This film is probably going to end up like the rest, collecting dust here in this attic.”

 “Hahaha, that was so like you.”

Letting out a laugh, he lowered the camera as if to turn it off. You glanced at him, noticing the change in him immediately; was he abashed because of your comment? Or maybe he was just too careless to admit your point.

As your eyes scanned the pile of films behind him, an idea popped up in your mind.

“Totsuka-san,” you stood up. “Can I use your camera?”

He was surprised, “Wha—? Why so sudden…?”

You held out your hand, eyes stern as you looked at him, not letting him escape nor excuse himself.

“All those films,” you pointed behind him. “You were the one recording.”

“Well of course…? It’s my camera after all,” he didn’t seem to follow.

“That’s why you aren’t in any of them, right?”

His eyes widened slightly, though it was a movement so tiny, barely observable, that anyone else wouldn’t have notice. You didn’t budge, hand still reaching out in his direction. It’s not like you were demanding, but it was clearly visible that you wouldn’t take no for an answer.

His hand which was holding the camera straightened at his side, as if in defeat. Then, he held it out to you.

“Jeez, Y/N,” he mumbled sheepishly, “You’re making me flustered.”

Smiling back at him, you took the camera. His face appeared in the viewfinder as you raised it, calling him light-hearted:

“Totsuka-san, smile please! What are your thoughts on today?”


	10. isolation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate myself for ending it like this. Why do I love suffering?

The last time you saw him turned out so ordinary that it was ridiculous. Frustrating, even.

Last times aren’t supposed to be ordinary. They should be unique and unforgettable – so why were you afraid, so afraid that the memory would eventually fade away and disappear, despite you clinging to it desperately?

The previous few days, he and his clan had been busy with preparations for Anna’s birthday. You’d met the girl once or twice, she was really sweet, and you totally saw why he was so eager to make her birthday special.

So you stopped hanging out at the bar, not wanting to disturb them.

He kept inviting you, of course, assuring that you weren’t a bother in the slightest. But you never listened, feeling like you’d be interrupting them if you visited the bar during that time.

Maybe if you had listened, the last time would have been different.

You met him that evening, a brief meeting between his numerous errands. To be more precise, he bumped at you in the convenience store, carrying a huge stack of balloons, ribbons and a cake – all with questionable balance; nonetheless, his face was bright in the winter night.

“Heyy, Y/N, nice seeing you there!” despite being so laden, he called you in a light voice. “What are you buying?”

You peeked at your own shopping – just food, mostly cup ramen, and plenty of tea – then at his load, the absurdity making you narrow your eyes in utter confusion. Out of all the times you two met, over half of them felt surreal, and this was no exception.

“Just dinner… What are these?” you pointed at the stack in his arms.

He huffed, adjusting the load not to drop it, “Oh, this! They’re for Anna’s birthday. It’s going to be fun, are you sure you don’t want to join us?”

“…No, sorry. But I hope you enjoy yourselves.”

The answer was too quick, though you really did hope so.

As you heaved a sigh despite yourself, his face softened somehow, looking almost as if he wasn’t stacked up over his head.

“We sure will. I’ll see you sometime later then, okay? Oh, and don’t eat cup ramen all the time! It’s not good for your health.”

You nodded, holding back a grin, “Fine, fine. And you, don’t fall on your face with all this stuff.”

As he rushed outside the store, his voice reached you:

“If I fall, it will be only for you!”

 

Those were the last words he directed at you.

Ridiculous. The mere thought made you let out a bitter chuckle.

 

Not even the news you heard was special.

A few days later, you visited the bar HOMRA, only to find it closed. Surprised by the sudden change in their schedule, you persisted there until Kusanagi showed up, briefly explained the matter and left you alone, taken aback, with ash-like snow ascending on you until you came back to your senses.

A dream.

It was nothing but a dream.

The night was falling over Shizume, and you were dreaming.

 

The rooftop was quiet.

You’d been there a few times. Him and you, both looked up at the stars, watching the lone blimp above the city, sometimes filming the buildings, the sky, each other.

Now it was quiet and lonesome. Unlike a place where someone’s life had been taken, it felt empty. The bloodstain hadn’t even dried up properly.

The soles of your shoes made slight taps as you walked up to the fence.

No tears were shed. You weren’t sad – just lonely without the only person who crept his way up to your heart.

“Totsuka-san. You’re such a handful, honestly…”

You held your head in your palms, unable to keep it high anymore.


End file.
